I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
