My hand turned me down
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
