the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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