She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
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It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
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They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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