Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
