if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
