in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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