I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
