The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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