google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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