he was CRYING into my vagina
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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