I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just want nice things and good sex
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
