so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
