I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
