So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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