Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Text me some of your sweat
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