She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
