You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
