and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
