What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
