john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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