How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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