I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
and she was petting her beer can
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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