God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
