Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
