yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
