Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
