i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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