Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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