a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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