she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
