Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
