god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
