we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
