We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
