i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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