I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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