having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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