I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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