he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
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hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
They are going to name an STD after you.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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