You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
