I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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