I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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