people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't deserve a penis
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
