you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
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I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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