happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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