You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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