So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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