Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
