when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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