yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
