We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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