Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
