Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
