i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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