Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
