it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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